Before I adopted my darling daugher from Ukraine and after I adopted, I found myself fascinated with why did a family accept a specific referral? It was something that a few families talked about in their journal but it seems to me it is a the central question.
Under the NAC from 1996 to March 2006, an adoptive parent traveled blind. They don’t receive a referral until they arrived in Ukraine. No one knows if the new State Department on Adoption and Children’s Rights will be handling this any differently starting in May 2006.
From 2001 to 2003 I asked hundreds of families from many different countries some questions. I called it my “expectations vs outcome survey in Ukrainian adoption”. I asked families how did they know the referral was “their child”. And I told them that I would share their stories but keep them anonymous.
Many families have generously their adoption journeys. Thanks again to everyone who took time to answer my questions. You are amazing.
I have removed identifying information.
There are 2 basic stories.
- Accepted referral for objective/analytical reasons
- Accepted referral because of immediate emotional connection
By the way the split is about 50/50. About half of the adoptive parents felt an immediate connection to the child and the other half didn’t.
Let’s start with the analytical reasons for accepting a referral. I fall into this camp and told my story here.
There is a story below where the husband and wife had different reactions. Husband felt an “immediate connection” and the wife had a more analytical reaction. Expect this and talk about it before you travel. It can cause major stress if you don’t agree on how to deal with this before it happens.
I know one family that walked away from the referral because the mother didn’t feel any connection to the child. But the father felt a connection. I never understood this. Maybe because I didn’t believe that I had to feel this immediate connection in order to adopt. I believed that we (the child and I) would build the family together.
The last story below, the family adopted 2 children. The family felt an immediate connection to the younger child and had an analytical reaction to the older child. Again this scenario should be discussed before you ever travel to Ukraine. The family should decide how to respond to this.
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My husband felt the child had an open, confident expression and could be his son. I was impressed by how beautiful he was. After we had visited him for a few days, he was so happy to see us. I also knew he
was ours.
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I did not feel the immediate connection and was still struggling with the age issue. My heart was set on a toddler. After spending time with the girl, I knew I could love her.
On the other hand, my husband knew right away that she was our daughter.
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I was very interested in our son the moment I saw his picture at the Adoption Center and was very anxious and excited to physically see him. I thought he was very cute!
Did I know at first glance if he was THE child for me and my husband? No, I wasn’t sure. How could I be? I only had seen his picture!
I know for some parents they know instantly. But for me I didn’t know if he was THE child. Because I am a hands on type of person, I just needed to be with our son to really know if he was going to be the one or not.
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I bonded with the child only after I spent time with her.
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We felt the younger boy was our boy. We felt the older boy was a bright boy and that he deserved a chance.
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Accepting a Referral
Love and Accepting a Referral
Accepting the Referral for My Daughter
Accepting a Referral: Other Families Stories Part 1
Accepting a Referral: Other Families Stories Part 2
Accepting a Referral: Other Families Stories Part 3